Parenting

What is the purpose of parenting? It is to protect and prepare children to survive and thrive in the world they live in. Parenting is more for parents than for children. Because when adults don't become parents they can't learn a lot lessons that parents can. For example, parents learn patience, unconditional love, how to keep children healthy and happy, and the reason for why families are so important. 

RESPONSE-ABILITY

Choices + consequences = responsibility

Would God punish us every time we did something wrong? No, so we shouldn't punish our children every time they make a mistake. Because they are human too. They are learning how to be little humans in this big world. One way to figure out the best way for solving problems with your children is first asking whose problem is it? If it is the child's problem, they should learn from natural consequences. Except if it is too dangerous, too far off in the future, and if it affects other people. If it is both the parent and the child's problem, then there should be a discussion about consequences that involves the child. If it is the parent's problem then these steps should be taken into action:

1. Polite request: trying to teach your children respect

2. "I" statements: (When you__, I feel__, Because __, Would you please__)

3. A firmer statement: not yelling, but firm

4. logical consequences: parallel natural consequences

·       Discussed in advance

·       Involve the child in discussion

·       Connect to natural consequences

o   Choices it/then or when/then

§  Ex: If you leave your bike outside, then you won’t have it for a few days.

§  Ex: When you finish your homework, then you can watch tv

·       Logically connected

·       Consequences you can live with

·       Firm and friendly

·       FOLLOW THROUGH

·       Follow through, THEN, give another chance

MISTAKEN APPROACH   BASIC NEEDS                     PARENTAL APPROACH     

Undue attention seeking	CONTACT/BELONGING	Offer contact freely Teach children to contribute.
Rebellion Trying to control others	POWER	Choices+ consequences              = Response-ability
Revenge	PROTECTION	Teach your child Assertiveness and forgiveness, (not Aggression)
Undue avoidance	WITHDRAWAL	Break à task
Undue risk taking	CHALLENGES	Skill building

There are three types of parenting that are outlined the book titled, Successful Marriages and Families. The first type is authoritarian which is not a good type of parenting. It means that parents, “deride, demean, or diminish children and teens by continually putting them in their place, putting them down, mocking them, or holding power over them via punitive or psychologically controlling means. Climate of hostility manifested by frequent spanking, yelling, criticizing, and forcing and has been linked to many forms of anti-social, withdrawn, and delinquent behaviors in children and adolescents.”

The second type of parenting is permissive parenting. This is characterized by "parents who overindulge children or neglect them by leaving them to their own devices. Children are considered as parental equals in terms of rights, but not about terms of responsibilities. Avoid using their authority to control children's behavior, tolerate children's impulses (including aggression), encourage children to make their own decisions without providing necessary parameters, and refrain from imposing structure on children's time." 

The best type of parenting is called authoritative. This type of parenting style has, "clear and reasonable expectations for competent behavior. Limits and boundaries with some room for negotiation and compromise.   Reasoning and developmentally appropriate consequences and punishments for breaching established limit.  Absence of coercive, hostile forms of discipline, such as harsh physical punishment, love withdrawal, shaming, and inflicting guilt. Models of appropriate behavior consistent with self-control, positive values, and positive attitudes. It also includes love, warmth and support" 

Typically parents have a learning curve have a blend of all three of these parenting types. It is normal to have a little bit of each of these styles because the authoritative is really hard to keep up with especially as your children get older. It is hard to always be a good parent and that is okay because we have the atonement and to get a little cheesy here, nobody's perfect and every one makes mistakes. And because as Elder Faust said, "Child-rearing is so individualistic" there is a lot of room to make mistakes and a wide variety of methods that need to be used for each child. Some children may only need permissive/authoritative with others need more authoritarian. It is all about balance and finding what works best for your child.